The Farce of Sodom;
or
The Quintessence of Debauchery

Attributed to John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

Edited by Jack Lynch

[Textual note TK] The notes are my own. In the marginal glosses I’ve tried to find equivalents that not not only give the literal meaning of the original word, but also suggest its degree of formality or obscenity. The word swive means “have sex” or “engage in intercourse,” but it’s not a polite or clinical term, so I use fuck.

Revised 4 December 2023.

Dramatis Personæ

Bolloximian   

 King of Sodom

Cuntigratia,   

 His Queen

Prickett,   

 Young Prince

Swivia,   

 Princess

Buggeranthus,   

 General of the Army

Pockenello,   

 Pimp, catamite and the King’s Favourite

Borastus,   

 Buggermaster-general

Pene and Tooly,   

 Pimps of Honour

Officina,   

 She-pimp of Honour

Fuckadilla,   

 Maid of Honour

Cunticula,   

 Maid of Honour

Clitoris,   

 Maid of Honour

Flux,   

 Physician-in-ordinary to the King

Virtuoso,   

 Dildo and Merkin maker to the Court

Actus Primus

Scaena Prima

[An antechamber hung with Aretine’s postures.° Enter Bolloximian, Borastus, Pockenello, Pene and Tooly]

 nude drawings
Bolloximian
Thus in the zenith° of my lust I reign, high point
I drink to swive°, and swive to drink again, fuck
Let other monarchs who their sceptres bear,
To keep their subjects less in love than fear,
Be slaves to crowns — my nation shall bee free,
My pintle° only shall my sceptre be. penis
My laws shall act more pleasure than command,
And with my prick I’ll govern all the land.

Pockenello
Your grace at once hath from the powers above
A princely wisdom and a princely love,
Whilst you permit your subjects to enjoy
That freedom which a tyrant would destroy,
By this your royal tarse° will purchase more dick
Than all the riches of the kings of Zoar.

Borastus
May your most gracious cods° and tarse° be still balls — dick
As boundless in your pleasure as your will.
May plentiful delights of cunt and arse° ass
Be never wanting° to your royal tarse. lacking
May lust incite your prick with flame and sprite,° spirit
Ever° to fuck with safety and delight. always

Bolloximian
My prick, Borastus, thy judgement and thy care
Requires, in a nice° juncture of affair. sensitive

Borastus
My duty’s still my service to prepare.

Bolloximian
Ye are my council all.

Pockenello
The bliss we own.

Bolloximian
But this advice belongs to you alone,
Borastus. No longer I my cunts admire,
The drudgery has worn out my desire.

Borastus
Your grace may soon to human arse retire.

Bolloximian
My pleasures for new cunts I will uphold,
And have reserves of kindness for the old.
I grant in absence dildo may be used
With milk of goats, when once our seed’s° infused. semen
My prick no more to bald cunt shall resort —
Merkins° rub off, and often spoil the sport.° pubic wigs — pleasure

Pockenello
Let merkin, sir, be banished from the court.

Pene
’Tis like a dead hedge when the land is poor.

Tooly
It is not fit° that cunt should wear a tower.° appropriate — tall wig

Bolloximian
As for my queen, her cunt no more invites,
Clad° with the filth of her most nasty whites.° dressed — vaginal discharge
Borastus, you spend your time I know not how.

Borastus
The choice of buggery,° sir, is wanting° now. anal sex — lacking
I would advise you, sir, to make a pass
Once more at Pockenello’s loyal arse.
Besides, sir, Pene has so soft a skin
’Twould tempt a saint to thrust his pintle° in. dick

Tooly
When last, good sir, your pleasure did vouchsafe° permit
To let poor Tooly’s hand your pintle° chafe,° dick — rub
You gently moved it to my arse — when lo!° behold
Arse did the deed which light hand could not do.

Bolloximian
True, I remember how my sperm did flow.
Truly, I’m in arrears° to thy rewards. debt
But let’s be active while the time affords,
And Pockenello for a mate I’ll choose.
His arse shall for a minute be my spouse.

Pockenello
That spouse shall, mighty sire, though it be blind,
Prove to my lord both dutiful and kind.
’Tis all my wish that Pockenello’s arse° ass
May still find favour from your royal tarse.° dick

Bolloximian
And next to Tooly, I will have a touch
With Pene.

Pene
Oh sire, you honour me too much!
It was enough when me you did entrust
As harbinger° unto your royal lust. host
But as from heaven, your will can make us blest
Though we’re unworthy. When we have done our best
Nor your affections dare we claim our right.

Bolloximian
Those who my pleasure serve I must requite.° pay back
Henceforth, Borastus, set the nation free.
Let conscience have its force of liberty.
I do proclaim, that buggery° may be used anal sex
O’er all the land, so° cunt be not abused. as long as
That’s the provision.° This shall be your trust. condition

Borastus
All things shall to your orders be adjust.° adjusted

Bolloximian
To Buggeranthus let this grant be given,
And let him bugger° all things under heaven. sodomize

Borastus
Straight° your indulgence° shall be issued forth immediately — declaration of rights
From East to West, and through the South to North.

Bolloximian
Let Pene assist you in this grand affair,
Then to our royal citadel repair°. go back

Borastus
We shall obey.

[Exeunt° Borastus and Pene]

 they leave

Pockenello
Great sir, when last you were entombed
Within the straits° of Fuckadilla’s womb, narrow areas
You told her that her sperm did slowly come.

Bolloximian
And what of that?

Pockenello
I would a plot reveal.

Bolloximian
Against my honour? Pockenello, tell!

Pockenello
No wonder she don’t fuck as she was wont° — used to
Pene has been too familiar with her cunt.
My liege,° he swived° her in her time of term.° lord — fucked — period
I saw him wipe the gleanings° of her sperm. remainder
His reeking tarse° in tail of shirt he packed, dick
Seeking to shelter’t from the treacherous act.
But the strange dye the traitor did relate,
Which stiff with menst’rous blood stood up in state.

Bolloximian
Alas, poor Pene! I cannot blame the deed
Where Nature urgeth by impulse of seed.

Pockenello
Yet ’twas a trespass° without leave° to swive° fault — permission — fuck
Upon his sovereign’s prerogative.° royal right

Bolloximian
His little tarse° doth but for mine prepare, dick
So° lightning before thunder clears the air. just as
With crimes of this sort I shall soon dispense° — finish
His arse shall suffer for his prick’s offence.
In ropy seed° my spirit shall be sent semen
With joyful tidings to his fundament.° anus
Come Pockenello, ere° my pintle° burns, before — dick
In and untruss.° I’ll bugger you by turns. get undressed

[Exeunt]

Scena Secunda

[The scene changes to a fair portico joining to a pleasant garden adorned with naked statues of both sexes in various postures. In the middle of the garden is a woman representing a fountain, standing on her head and pissing bolt upright. Soft music is played, after which is sung, by a small voice, in a mournful key:]

Voice
Unhappy cunt, oh comfortless,
From swilling° plenty, fallen into distress, drinking
Deprived of all its ornamental hair,
Fed with the empty diet of the air.
Divorced and banished from its dearest duck
That proselyte° to pagan fuck. religions convert
Assist ye° powers you
That bring down monthly flowers,° periods
Come, come away, and in a trice,° moment
Congeal these thoughts of ice.
Comfort my cunt, or give me your advice.

[Enter Cuntigratia, Officina, Fuckadilla, Cunticula and Clitoris]
Officina
Sure madam, he must fuck with some remorse
Since your divorcement from his royal tarse.° dick
The day of marriage you may justly rue
Since he will neither swive° nor suffer° you. fuck — put up with

Cuntigratia
That tyrrany does much augment my grief,
I can command all but my cunt’s relief.
My courses have been stopped with grief and care. periods — worry
In all his pleasures I can have no share.

Officina
These girls, I’ll warrant you, have enough to spare.

Cuntigratia
I am not jealous, but envy must
Declare to all: your pleasures are unjust.
Not that I would deprive your cunts of food.
For you like me are women, flesh and blood.
Yet youth nor beauty can your crimes excuse.

Fuckadilla
What woman can a standing prick refuse?
When love makes courtship, there it may command.
What soul such generous influence can withstand?
I least offend you in your royal seed —
He fucked for pleasure and for very need.
He pressed it hard, I would have turned the spring,
But that my duty was to obey my King.

Officina
This I must needs in her defence declare —
To reconcile° the King it was her care. remain friendly with — duty

Cuntigratia
Had I a pintle privilege to choose,
His prick for any other I’d refuse.

Clitoris
Madam, I wonder such a noble mind
Should be to singularity inclined?
He’s but a man, and if you’ll credit me,
There’s many others swive as well as he.

Cuntigratia
All that and more, Clitoris, I allow, admit
And do my faith to thy experience owe.

Officina
Troth,° were I you, a pintle° I would have, honestly — dick
Though he deprived me of the crown he gave.
Your cunt may claim a subject’s liberty,
Though he a tyrant to your honour be.

Cuntigratia
Your counsel bravely does my care° expel — worry
Whom could you recommend to swive me well?

Officina
Your cunt Buggeranthus to a hair° would nick.° to a T — suit

Cuntigratia
The General! I long to see his prick.
They say he swives° all women to a trance!° fucks — unconsciousness

Fuckadilla
Madam, you’ll say so when you see his lance.

Clitoris
He is a man, no doubt!

Cunticula
He has such charms
You’ll swear you have a stallion° in your arms. male prostitute
He swives with so much vigour, in a word,
His prick is as good mettle as his sword.

Officina
Truly I’ve heard it is both long and large.

Cuntigratia
Then with my open cunt I’ll give him charge.
I’ll hug and kiss and bear up till I die.
Oh, let him swive me to eternity.
Come, come, dear General! Oh heavens, I fear
Twelve hours will pass before I find him here.
Twelve hours? Twelve years! Oh, I shall ne’er contain —

Officina
Sit down and frig° awhile — ’twill ease your pain. masturbate

Cuntigratia
I spring a leak. All hands to pump amain!° forcefully

[Here the Queen, sitting in a chair of state, is frigged with a dildo by Lady Officina. And the rest pull out their dildos and frig too, in point of honour.]
Cuntigratia
So there, yet more, you do not make it spurt.
You do as if you were afraid to hurt.

Officina
Madam, the fault in Virtuoso lies —
He should have made it of a larger size.
This dildo by a handful is too short.

Cuntigratia
Let him with speed be sent for to the Court.

Fuckadilla
Madam, your dildos are not to compare
With what I’ve seen.

Officina
Indeed, they’re paltry ware.

Cunticula
Short dildos leave the pleasure half begun.

Cuntigratia
Oh, how the General in my mind does run!
Let’s to the grotto° for a while repair, secluded area
And sing a bawdy° song. Perhaps the air obscene
May echo news the General is to come,
To whose stiff tarse° I’ll sacrifice my womb. dick
Sing, Fuckadilla, charm us with a touch.
See it not treat of chastity too much.

Fuckadilla
That’s a strange word! But if you bawdy° crave, obscenity
I’ve choice.° excellent material

Cuntigratia
Aye, that’s what we would have.

Song

Fuckadilla
Rouse stately tarse,° dick
And let thy bollocks° grind balls
For seed.° semen
Heave up fair arse,° ass
And let thy cunt be kind
To the deed.
Thrust, pintle,° with a force dick
Strong as any horse.
Spend,° till her cunt o’er flow, ejaculate
Joined with the neighboring flood of sperm below.
There in a swound° swoon
We’ll lie as drowned
And dead upon the shore,
Rather than we wake
We should our own sad leave take
’Cause we can spend° no more. ejaculate

Chorus
When pintle° cannot gain new breath dick
Resurrection is worse than death.

Actus Secundus

[Six naked women and six naked men appear, and dance, the men doing obeisance to the women’s cunts, kissing and touching them often, the women doing ceremonies to the men’s pricks, kissing them, dandling their cods,° etc., and so fall to fucking, after which the women sigh, and the men look simple and sneak off.]

 balls

[Enter Prickett and Swivia]

Swivia
Twelve months must pass ere you will yet arrive
To be a perfect man. That is, to swive° as Pockenello does. fuck
Your age to fifteen does but now incline.° approach

Prickett
You know I would have stripped my prick at nine.

Swivia
I ne’er saw it since. Let’s see how much ’tis grown?
By heavens, a neat one! Now we are alone,
I’ll shut the door, and you shall see my thing.

Prickett
Strange how it looks — methinks it smells like ling:° a kind of fish
It has a beard, yes, and a mouth all raw —
The strangest creature that I ever saw.
Are these the beasts that keep men so in awe?

Swivia
’Twas such a thing, philosophers have thought,
That all mankind into the world had brought.
’Twas such a thing our sire the King bestrid,° straddled
Out of whose mouth we came.

Prickett
The devil we did!

Swivia
This is the workhorse of the world’s chief trade° occupation
On this soft anvil all mankind was made.
Come, ’tis a harmless thing, draw near, and try.
You will desire no other death° to die. orgasm

Prickett
Is’t death, then?

Swivia
Aye, but such a pleasing pain
That it straight tickles you to life again.

Prickett
I feel my spirits in an agony —

Swivia
These are the symptoms of lechery.° lust
Does not your prick stand, and your pulse beat fast?
And you desire some unknown bliss to taste?

Prickett
My heart incites me to some new desires,
My blood boils o’er —

Swivia
I can allay° the fire. put out
Come, little rogue, and on my body lie —
A little lower yet — now, dearest — try!

Prickett
I am a stranger to these unknown parts,
And never versed in love’s obliging arts.
Pray° guide me, I was ne’er this way before. please

Swivia
There, can’t you enter now, you’ve found the door.

Prickett
I’m in, I trow.° It is as soft as wool. believe

Swivia
Thrust then, and move it up and down, you fool.

Prickett
I do, oh heavens, I am at my wit’s end.

Swivia
Is’t not such pleasure as I did commend?

Prickett
Yes, I find cunt a most obliging friend.
Speak to me sister, ere° my soul depart. before

Swivia
I cannot speak — you’ve stabbed me to the heart.

Prickett
I faint. I can’t one minute more survive.
I’m dead.

Swivia
Oh! Brother! But I am alive
And why should you lie dead t’increase my pain?
Kiss me, dear bird, and you shall live again.
Your love’s grown cold, now you can do no more.
I love you better than I did before:
Prithee° be kind. please

Prickett
Sure I did lately dream,
That through my prick there flowed a mighty stream,
Which to my eye seemed like the whites of eggs.

Swivia
I dreamt too, that it ran between my legs.

Prickett
What makes this pearl upon my pintle’s snout?

Swivia
Sure, you fucked lately. Now your dream is out.

Prickett
That I should lose my sense, heaven forbid!
And yet, I scarce remember what I did.

Swivia
It was this cunt that made your pintle° weep, penis
And lulled you into such a gentle sleep.
Gave you those pleasures which your waking thought
On all your senses has amazement wrought.° worked

Prickett
’Tis strange, methinks,° that such a homely° feat it seems — unimpressive
With such delight should all my senses treat,
That such a gaping, hungry, hairy beast
Should from its maw° give squeamish prick a feast. open mouth
But its strange influence I do admire —
My heart is glutted,° yet I still desire — stuffed
Which turns my freezing body into fire.

Swivia
All unknown pleasures do at first surprise.
Try but one more, you’ll find new joys arise.
It will your heart with more contentment fill.
Besides the pleasure, ’twill improve your skills.
Come, try again, ’twill gratify your pain,
When you enjoy what half the world refrain.

Prickett
I feel an air, which does my blood unfold,
Betwixt a summer’s heat and winter’s cold.

Swivia
And no erection yet — prithee, let’s feel.
Poor little thing, it is as cold as steel.
I’ll manage it. Dispose it to my trust,
I’ll make it strong to act as well as lust.
Stroke cunt and thighs.

Prickett
I do.

Swivia
’Twon’t do, no doubt.

Prickett
Oh, never fear.
Thrust out your spirit, with might and main.

[Noise within]

Prickett
I hear someone coming.

Swivia
Put it up again.

[Enter Cunticula, and drunkish she sings:]

Cunticula
’Twas the touch of the finger and thumb,
     And pretty soft palm,
     That ushered the balm,
And made it the sooner to come.

Swivia
You did my thoughts surprise.

Cunticula
Did my presence disturb your privacies?

Swivia
No. We dare let you know what we have done.
Come, we’ll continue what we have begun.
Sure I have lost the virtue° of my hand. power

Cunticula
Madam, I’ll hold a piece, I’ll make it stand.

Prickett
Sister, let go! Cunticula shall try.
Great virtue° from her hand I prophesy. power

Swivia
I’ll not my goods into her hands entrust,
But on these terms: that she who first
Does by the power of her prevailing hand
Make cods° shrink up, and pintle° swiftly stand, balls — penis
Shall have the flowing juice.

Cunticula
With all my heart — what says his princely grace?

Prickett
Agreed: sister, I fear you’ve lost your place.
Now for your credit. Hold, not quite so fast!
The pleasure of itself is apt to waste —
She does’t with art.° skill, technique

Swivia
Look how his cheek glows.

Prickett
There, there —

Cunticula
Oh death, it overflows!

Prickett
’Tis done, and you may thank your treacherous hand.

Cunticula
I would have held it, if you had given command.
That I should lose a blessing of this price,
For this loss I in tears could spend° my eyes. cry
Pardon, sweet prince, pardon this mistake.
If all that I have recompense° can make payment
Here, prostrate° at your foot you may command lying down
My cunt or arse, where’er your prick will stand.

Prickett
You’ve let out all the spirits of my blood,
You’ve ruined me, and done yourself no good.

Swivia
’Twas your new office° did ambition move duty, responsibility
To hasten to the centre of your love.
When in her journey she received a fate
Which hope and pleasure did anticipate.
Muster° your spirits up, and try again. rally

Prickett
Where power is wanting,° will is but in vain. lacking
I’ve spent° my last, and would fain° retire, used — willingly
To sleep an hour.

Swivia
Will that restore desire?

Prickett
If it deceitful prove —
Adieu to fucking. Sleep will all care remove.

Swivia
Come cousin, we’ll convey him to my bed.
You see his spirits with our hopes are fled.
Though he be living, he’s as bad as dead.

[Exeunt,° leading him mournfully]

 they leave

Actus Tertius

 act three

[Enter Cuntigratia and Buggeranthus]

Cuntigratia
Let the last siege with this content be crowned,
That which your prick has lost, my cunt has found.
Your seed,° sir (with my pleasure) I will own° semen — admit
Was in my cunt so plentifully thrown
That had all mankind — whose pintles° I adore — dicks
With well-filled bollocks° swived° me o’er and o’er — balls — fucked
None could in nature have obliged me more.

Buggeranthus
If kings are gods on earth, their queens may claim
Of goddesses an unusurped name.

Cuntigratia
And Fate in him must great perfection show
Whose tarse can please a deity below.

Buggeranthus
If I have pleased in so sublime a sense —
I owe it to your cunt’s omnipotence.

Cuntigratia
This modesty in you does ill appear,
Whose virtues are to dare, and not to fear.
Whose arms the strength of mighty Mars° can prove. god of war
Whose prick’s the standard of the Queen of Love,° Venus
Whose bollocks° (like a twin of worlds) contain balls
Those millions of delight in every vein.
This, and much more, Lord General, is due
To those perfections which I find in you.
You must oblige me in this very hour —
You know ’gainst all denial cunt has power.

Buggeranthus
Your favours, madam, are so far above
The utmost merits of my vassal°-love, servant
That should I court in lechery° to obey, sexual immorality
And in obedience swive° my soul away, fuck
All my endeavours would at last become
A poor oblation° to your royal womb. offering

Cuntigratia
Still from my love you modestly withdraw,
And are not by my favours kept in awe.
When friendship does approach, you seem to fly.
Do you do so before your enemy?

Buggeranthus
No, by my head, and by this honoured scar.
But toils of cunt are more than toils of war.

Cuntigratia
Fucking a toil! Good Lord! You do mistake.
Of ease and pleasure it does all partake,° share
’Tis all that we can dear or happy call.

Buggeranthus
But love, like war, must have its interval:° time off
Nature renews the strength by kind repose,
Which an untimely drudgery would lose.
Madam, with sighs I celebrate the hour
That stole away my love and robbed me of my power.

[Offers to go]

Cuntigratia
You shall not go thus, dear Lord General. Stay!

Buggeranthus
In what my power admits,° your will I must obey. allows

Cuntigratia
In the first place, give me a parting kiss,
And next, my lord, the consequence of this —
Once for a parting blow, once and no more.

Buggeranthus
Could that have been I had obeyed before.
Your menst’rous blood does all your veins supply
With unexhausted lechery,° whilst I sexual energy
Like a decrepit lecher, must retire,
With prick too weak to act what I desire.

[Exit]

Cuntigratia
Does my new passion to contempt remove
The trophies of his honour and my love?
Ah, Buggeranthus, had my passion been
Decked° with the state and grandeur of a queen adorned
So loose a love I had not then betrayed!
My love had more my majesty obeyed.
My passion, like a prodigal, did treat
With all the choice variety of meat° — food, not just flesh
And now the glutted° lecher scorns to eat. overfed

[Exit]

[Enter Bolloximian, Borastus, Pockenello and Tooly]

Bolloximian
Since I have buggered° human arse I find had anal sex with
Pintle° to cunt is not so much inclined dick
What though the lechery° is dry, ’tis smart — sexual immorality
And turkey’s arse I love with all my heart:
The lust in which those animals I see
Does far exceed all human lechery.
Their cunts by use improve their influence
Whilst ours grow void of pleasure and of sense.
By oft formenting, cunt so big doth swell,
That pintle° works like clappers in a bell: dick
All vacuum. No grasping flesh doth guide
Or hug the brawny muscles of its side,
Tickling the nerves, the prepuce° or glans,° foreskin — head
Which all mankind with great delight entrance.

Borastus
Nature to them but one poor way doth give,
But man delights in various ways to swive.° fuck

Pockenello
How simple was the lechery of old,
How full of shame, how feeble, and how cold.
Confined to a formality of law —
When wives their husbands’ pintles° never saw, dicks
But when their lust or duty made ’em draw.
They fucked with such indifferent° delight, indiscriminate
As if prick stood against its will, in spite,
First rubbed, then spent, then groaned, and bid goodnight.
We the kind dictates of our sense pursue,
We study pleasures still, and find out new.

Borastus
May as the gods his name immortal be
That first received the gift of buggery.° anal sex

Bolloximian
Faces may change, but cunt is but cunt still,
And he that fucks is slave to women’s will.
And why, Borastus, should we daily bring
One dish to feast the palate of a king?
And strive with various sauces to invite
The grandeur of his critic appetite —
And still the meat’s° the same? The change doth lie food, not just flesh
But in the sauces’ great variety.
’Tis so with cunt’s repeated dull delights —
Sometimes you’ve flowers° for sauce, and sometimes whites,° blood — vaginal discharges
And crab-lice, which like buttered shrimps appear,
And may be served for garnish all the year.

[Enter Buggeranthus]

Borastus
My liege, the General.

Bolloximian
Brave man of war!
How fares the camp?

Buggeranthus
Great sir, your soldiers are
In double-duty to your favour bound.
They own it all, they swear and tear the ground,
Protest they’ll die in drinking of your health,
And creep into the other world by stealth,
Intending there among the gods to vie° compete
Their Sodom King with immortality.

Bolloximian
How are they pleased with what I did proclaim?

Buggeranthus
They practise it in honour of your name,
If lust presents, they want no woman’s aid.
Each buggers° with content his own comrade. anally penetrates

Bolloximian
They know ’tis chargeable° with cunts to play. costly

Buggeranthus
It saves them, sir, at least a fortnight’s° pay two weeks
But arse they fuck, and bugger one another,
And live like man and wife, sister and brother.
Dildos and dogs with women doth prevail —
I saw one frigging with a cur’s bob-tail.
’My lord,’ said she, ’I do it with remorse,
For I had once a passion for a horse,
Who in a moment grieved and pleased my heart.
I saw him standing pensive° in a cart, sad
With padded eyes, and back with sores oppressed,
And heavy halter hanging on his crest.° neck
I grieved for the poor beast, and scratched his mane,
Pitied his daily labour and his pain,
When on a sudden from his scabbard° flew sheath
The statliest° tarse° that ever mortal drew, grandest — dick
Which clinging to his belly stiff did stand.
I took and grasped it with my loving hand,
And in a passion moved it to my cunt.
But he to womankind being not wont° familiar
Drew back his engine, though my cunt could spare
Perhaps as much room as his lady mare.
At length I found his constancy° was such faithfulness
That he would none but his dear mistress touch.
Urged by his scorn I did his sight depart,
And to despair surrendered up my heart.
Now wandering o’er this vile cunt-starving land
I am content with what comes next to hand.’

Bolloximian
Such women ought to live, pray find her out.
She shall a pintle° have, both stiff and stout. dick
Bollocks° shall hourly by her cunt be sucked, balls
She shall be daily by all nations fucked.
Industrious cunts should never pintle want° — be without a dick
She shall be mistress to my elephant.

Buggeranthus
Your honour’s matchless!° incomparable

Bolloximian
I’ll do’t. Let her swive!° fuck
I will encourage virtue while I live.

Pockenello
Were Officina here she would aver° declare
The title of Grand Cunt belonged to her.
With ease you may thrust in your double-fist.

Buggeranthus
She has as good a cunt as ever pissed.

Bolloximian
That mighty orifice of Nature’s gate
Gave once delight, but ne’er did propagate.° give birth
Products spoil cunts. Flux° does allow flowing blood
That what like woman was, it makes like cow.

Pockenello
But fruitless cunts by frigging° may be spoiled masturbation
When they use dildos big as new-born child.

[Enter Tooly]

Tooly
My liege, a stranger at your royal gate
Does from Gomorrah° for a message wait, a town near Sodom
Who forty striplings° now does with him bring. youths

Bolloximian
Oh, ’tis a present from our brother-king.
Conduct him in. ’Twas very kindly done
Of brother Tarsehole. This has saved my son.
I love strange flesh. A man’s prick cannot stand
Within the limits of his own command,
And I have fucked and buggered all the land.
Pleasure should strive as much in time of peace
As power in time of battle to increase.

[Tooly enters with the striplings]

Bolloximian
So beautiful a troop I have not seen!
How fares our brother Tarsehole and his Queen?

Messenger
All hail and health from these were sent by me,
And this from them vouchsafe, O King, to see.

[Delivers a letter]

Bolloximian
“Of the fairest of the damsels, for the remembrance
— in manifold expressions —
Joy in your gates, honour in your high places
And in your retirements, pleasure in abundance.
Gomorrah. Tarsehole.”
’Tis well, stranger. Thanks, and go tell thy lord
That what the limits of my land afford
He may command like me what cunts do live
Within my precincts that are fit to swive.° fuck
By Tooly we intend to send a score
Of modern virgins — if we can find more,
We shall with careful expedition° send. speed
Meanwhile, our love and honour recommend.
Tooly, divert° the stranger while he stays, entertain
With wine, and with our Sodominian plays.
Receive him kindly, my commands fulfil,
And let him fuck and bugger what he will.
Here are my valued gems, these are to me
More than the riches of the treasury.

[Pointing to the boys]
What! Does my crown and jewels do me good?
Jewels and gold are clay to flesh and blood.
Grace every chamber with a handsome boy,
And here’s my pretty darling and my joy!

[Pointing to one of the boys]
Go, and prepare what to my pleasure’s due:
The choice of their apartment’s left to you

[Exeunt all but the King and a boy]

Bolloximian
Come, my soft flesh, and Sodom’s dear delight,
To honoured lust thou art betrayed tonight.
Lust with thy beauty cannot brook° delay. tolerate
Between thy pretty haunches I will play.

[Exeunt omnes°]

 all leave

Actus Quartus

 act four

[Enter Officina, Fuckadilla, Cunticula, Clitoris and Virtuoso]

Officina
Let’s see the late improvement of your art° — technique
These dildos are not worth a fart.

Fuckadilla
They are not stiff.

Cunticula
The muzzle° is too small. opening

Clitoris
Nor long enough.

Officina
Lord! That’s all in all.
Wherefore, Virtuoso, do you bring
So weak, and such a bauble of a thing?

Virtuoso
Madam, the philosophical° demonstration: scientific
These are invented with a full intention
To gratify the most ingestive veins
That course in blood or seed° in yoke restrain. semen

Officina
Oh fie! They scarce exceed a virgin’s span,° space
Yet should exceed what Nature gives to man.

Fuckadilla
I’ll hold a fucking! Let the truth be known,
He made it by the measure of his own.

Virtuoso
Madam, ’tis done, and I’ll be judged by all.
The copy does exceed th’original.

Officina
Who shall try first?

Clitoris
I’ll —

Officina
— Think no disgrace
If I before your ladyship take place.
More pricks have I enjoyed, I’ll make appear,
And I have more experience by five year.

Fuckadilla
If by seniority you claim your due,
I had a cunt when no man thought of you.
It makes me laugh to see those gossips strive
For an estate when the true heir’s alive.
All your properties are secure, I think —
I bore a child whan you was meat and drink.
Produce, sweet sire, a lively yard.° I’ll vow dick
I would pawn honour to make trial now.
So long, so trim —

Officina
So plump, so lily-white —

Cunticula
So rough, so stiff —

Fuckadilla
So jointly, so upright.
Damn silly dildos, had I but° the bliss if only I had
Of once enjoying such a prick as this,
I would his will eternally obey,
And every minute cunt should tribute pay.

Officina
You are too amorous, fie, look off away.

Fuckadilla
Let me look on until my thoughts do give
By strength of fancy what I should receive.

Officina
Time and experience does my judgement tell,
Though you work dildos and make merkins° well, pubic wigs
You have the finest yard° that e’er I saw. dick

Fuckadilla
A god to rule and keep our sex in awe.
Oh let me kiss’t — I’ll have it in my hand.

Virtuoso
Madam, you are all power, all command.
In every charm you rally° and surprise. revive
From your kind looks such influence does arise,
You raise my prick and frig° it with your eyes. jerk

Fuckadilla
Oh now my dearer part of womankind
Can give what your abortive love can find,
My loving cunt will give more joys to you
Than all the beauty of mine eyes can do.

[Takes him by the prick]
This engine made of human flesh and grain,
My drudging pleasure, our delight and pain,
The prince’s profit, the poor man’s joy and care,
The cuckold’s surety, the rich man’s despair.
Direct thyself to my indulgent cunt,
Thou kind reliever of all women’s want.

Virtuoso
My power long since was in the puddle drowned,
See and behold — the seed° lies on the ground. semen

Fuckadilla
Hell on’t, ’tis so! Oh, madam, I am cursed!

[She seems indisposed°]

 sick

Officina
What now, not well?

Fuckadilla
Now prick has done his worst,
That bliss for which my cunt so long did stay,° wait
He gave to fancy, and ’tis thrown away.

Officina
Thus ’tis, with lovers young and full of fire.
Fruition° is as forward° as desire. satisfaction — eager
They’re apt to make their compliments before
They come to see the keyhole of the door.
Oh cursed imposter, quashed to perfect joy
That does love’s fruit before ’tis ripe destroy.
The worst of tarses° may well make such moan dicks
When the prick-maker cannot rule his own.

[Exeunt omnes]°

 they all leave

Actus Quintus

 act five

[A grove of cypress and other trees cut in shapes of pricks. Several arbours, figures, and pleasant ornaments. In a banqueting-house are discovered men playing on tabours° and dulcimers° with their pricks, and women with jews’ harps in their cunts.]

 tabors = drums
dulcimers = harp-like instruments

[A youth, under a palm-tree sitting, in a melancholy manner sings:]

Youth
Oh! Gentle Venus, ease a prick
That owns thy cunt a Queen,
That lately suffered by a lass,
And spits out blood as green as grass
And cankers° has fifteen. weeping sores
Under her hand it panting lies
And fain° it would, but cannot rise. willingly
And when it’s got betwixt° her thighs, between
It grieves to feel such poxy pain,
And it draws back again.

[Enter Bolloximian, Borastus and Pockenello]

Bolloximian
Which of the gods more than myself can do?

Borastus
Alas sir, they are pimps compared with you.

Bolloximian
I’ll heaven invade, and bugger° all the gods, anally penetrate
And drain the springs of their immortal cods.° balls
I’ll make them rub till prick and bollocks° cry — balls

’You’ve frigged° us out of immortality.’

 jerked

[Enter Flux]

Bolloximian
Man of philosophy,° who pricks repairs, science
How chance so long thy counsels and thy cares
Have been a stranger to our courts?

Flux
Oh King,
I have these ten days been a-simpling,° collecting medicines
Endeavouring with all my art° to cure skill
The crying pains your nation does endure.
The heavy symptoms have infected all —
I now may call it epidemical.
The pricks are eaten off, the women’s parts
Are withered more than their despairing hearts.
The children harbour heavy discontents,
Complaining sorely of their fundaments.° anuses
The old do curse and envy all that swive,° fuck
And yet — in spite of impotence — will strive
To fuck and bugger,° though they stink alive. have anal sex
The young who ne’er on Nature did impose
To rob her charter or pervert her laws,
Are taught at last to break all former vows,
And do what Love and Nature disallows.

Bolloximian
What act does Love and Nature contradict?

Flux
That for which Heaven does these pain inflict.
Nor do the beauties of thy throne escape —
The Queen is damned, Prince Prickett has a clap.° gonorrhea
Raving and mad the Princess is become,
With pains and ulcerations in her womb.

Bolloximian
Curse upon Fate to punish us for nought.
Can no redress,° no punishment be sought? compensation

Flux
To Love and Nature all their rights restore,
Fuck no men, and let buggery° be no more. anal sex
It does the propagable end destroy,
Which Nature gave with pleasure to enjoy.
Please her, and she’ll be kind; if you displease,
She turns into corruption and disease.

Bolloximian
How can I leave my own beloved sin,
That has so long my dear companion been?

Flux
Sir, it will prove° the shortening of your life. turn out to be

Bolloximian
Then must I go to the old whore, my wife?
Why did the Gods, who gave me leave to be
A King, not grant me immortality?
To be a substitute for heaven at will —
I’ll scorn the gift — I’ll reign and bugger still.

[The clouds break up and fiery demons appear in the air. They dance and sing:]

Demons
Frig,° swive° and dally,° masturbate — fuck — flirt
Kiss, rise up, and rally,
Curse, blaspheme and swear,
Here are in the air
Those will witness bear
Fire your bollocks° singes, balls
Sodom on the hinges.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.° have anal sex
All in hugger-mugger,° secret
Fire does descend.
’Tis too late to mend.

[They vanish in smoke]

[The Ghost of Cuntigratia appears]

Cuntigratia
Tyrant, thy day of doom just now is come,
When thou, and all thy skill,
Shall be one funeral pile.
My wretched spirit fears
Thy want° of penitence and tears. lack
I now hell’s miseries partake
For thy damned sake.
We’ll shortly meet again
With howlings, plague, and pain.
I’ll stay° for you on t’other side of the lake. wait

[Descends]

Pockenello
Pox° on these sights — I’d rather have a whore. disease, esp. syphilis, used as an oath

Borastus
Or I a cunt’s rival.

Flux
For heaven’s sake, no more.
Nature puts me in prophetic fear.
Behold, the heavens in a flame appear.

Bolloximian
Let heaven descend, and set the world on fire
We to some darker cavern will retire.
There on thy buggered arse I will expire.

[Leering all the while on Pockenello]

[Enter Fire and Brimstone, and a Cloud of Smoke appears]

[The curtain is drawn]

FINIS

Notes

This text has been prepared by Jack Lynch. You’re welcome to use it for non-exclusive and nonprofit purposes.